Out There Somewhere

I know you're out there somewhere, contemplating what to do with me. Just as I am contemplating what to do with you.

I know you're probably not crying. I'm crying.

I know that the best thing for me to do is to forget all about you and to move on with some other guy. But I can't. And obviously you can't either.

It's me and her, and you and her and me and you. You can't make up your mind between us. I can't make up my mind about dumping you for good or waiting for your choice.

A part of me wants you. I want you to hold me and hug me. I love your hugs. I love your laugh. I love your attention and I love being with you.

But I hate the way you never tell me what you feel or think. I hate the way you turn to me when she leaves you. I hate the way you turn to her when she wants you back. I hate the way I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. I hate the way I can't talk about you. I hate the way I can't call you my boyfriend. I hate the way you avoid me.

I made you make promises to me. That you wouldn't avoid me. That we would be friends until we (YOU) could make our (YOUR) choice. I hope you can keep these promises. Just as I hope that if you choose me, you can stick with that choice. And if you choose her, you can also stick with that choice, and that I can have a happy, stress-free life without you.

But please, just communicate with me. Tell me what you think. What you feel. I am here. Please. Please. Please. Don't do this to me anymore.

-L

And the past repeats itself.

And the past repeats itself.

He's back in my life. With no explanations. With no apologies. Just here.

I don't know what to do. Or even what to say. I find myself on auto pilot again. It's like nothing ever happened.

All I know is I will do everything in my power to ensure that the past does not repeat itself in that same horrible way.

I've missed his laugh. And his bear hugs. And maybe even his stubborn questioning.

Maybe this will have a good ending, or another bad ending. Who knows? Who cares? This is my life. On repeat.
-L

We are the same

I want to say I'm not like everybody else and I haven't made those silly, stupid mistakes that everyone makes...but I have. Of course I have. I'm only human. We're all the same in being, tempted to do what is wrong. We don't listen to our conscience at that certain moment in time, even though that little voice in the back of our head is saying "NOOOOO!".

We are the same; we have both been in this situation. But life moves on, and so must you. Tears will not help, Sadness and Lingering only make it worse. Keep your head held high. It'll get better, I promise. =)

Worth the wait

patience is not one of my strong suits. i don't want to wait for you to grow up and realize whats in front of you. but i want you. and i think you're worth the wait. so herw goes everything.
-l

Summer.

This summer has been....crazy. Dramatic. Fun. Happy. Sad. Depressing. Life-changing. Everything and more.

I've made mistake after mistake. The past has repeated itself. I fell in love with the wrong guy. I got dumped by that wrong guy for his girlfriend. I kissed a guy within 24 hours of meeting him. I did stupid, stupid things and got myself into stupid, stupid situations.

Am I happy with myself? No. Definitely not. I have a long way to go to perfection. But I've learned a lot of new things about myself. What I can get myself into, the repetition I still continue to go through and the person deep inside of me I let out more than I should.

I'm still in love with somebody I think is an asshole. I feel alone. I feel alive with pain. I feel more human than I ever have. I've realized that the world really is a cold and cruel place. I'm trying to stay busy so I don't have to think so much about what I've gotten myself into. I'm still just a girl trying to figure out what her life means and hoping someone will come along and make all the puzzle pieces fit together.

And the one thing that has stuck with me all this time is that everything happens for a reason. Memories, learning lessons, the good experiences and the bad, it all adds up to another mistake, another fading memory, and another footprint someone has made in my life.